Do you find yourself looking for ways to communicate more effectively only to get pulled back into the same old arguments? Your frustration and repeated “Deja vu” arguments may be the result of trying “harder” when trying “different” may be the answer.
Some clues we may be “trying too hard”
- having a shorter frustration tolerance
- being preoccupied with what someone else is doing or not doing
- reacting as soon as the other person starts to speak
- getting angry or upset just thinking about what the other person “might” say or do
- neglecting self-care while focusing on what someone else is doing
Please take a few moments to record in your smartphone, other electronic device or piece of paper examples where you may be trying too hard and may need to try different—take your time … I’ll wait.
One of the ways of “trying different” can be to try to more effectively deal with the all too human emotions which can be both the blessings and the challenges in
relationships. Reacting to what another is doing often gets us stuck, trying harder and harder to get the other person to change or understand our point of view.
Focusing on what we cannot control, how others think, feel and act, increases our frustration and anger. Focusing on what we can change, how we think, feel and act, creates opportunities to redirect our time and energies in more effective ways.
As in my blog’s home page’s post “Pebble in a Pond;”
Like a pebble tossed into a pond, “Every positive action we make in changing our interactions with others also has a ripple effect. How we act and how we interact with others creates a dynamic which can continue to grow. It changes the dynamics of future interactions in which communication will no longer be the same as it was in the past. We can set in motion change in our own communication style that has the distinct potential to influence positive change in those around us.”
We can develop skills as tangible as those of scientists, athletes, professional singers, or other outwardly successful people to redirect our efforts. We can build upon those skills that help us communicate our concerns in a manner more likely to be really heard and considered by others.
Being proactive, we can identify those triggers, which seem to invite us to arguments.
We can also gain additional insights and coping skills when we feel like inviting ourselves, or others to arguments. (What, me invite some else to an argument?)
My next post, “Say what you mean, mean what you say, without saying it mean,” focuses on
practical ways of reminding ourselves how to communicate more effectively and actual
examples for readers to practice using.
When I focus on what someone else is doing that I do not like or not doing what I think they should be doing I feel …
When I focus on what I can change about how I think, respond or act I feel …
Recently I remembered to …
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